At these times, I should remember Katherine and be grateful instead.
I've been feeling a lot of stress lately, with my upcoming trip home. One week seems an eternity, especially when you know you'd be facing comparisons yet again, endless nagging, and I really hate being mad at my mom or aunt, but I can't help it when my temper gets the better of me. I go home so rarely that I wonder why she just can't let this time together pass happily and allow us both to create pleasant memories. I can still remember August 2010, because for the 10 days that I was home, rarely a day went by when I didn't argue with my mom. I really regretted going back that time, because I could've put my time to better and more pleasant use.
And it's really a very sad day when your child has that kind of thought. Sad, but I wish she'd think why I would feel that way instead of feeling hurt that I don't want to go home. Would you want to stay away from a place or people that make you happy? Of course not!
Then, last night, we had dinner at a semi-hawker, when I had been led to believe it was a restaurant. The food was so-so, definitely not worth the risk of dengue fever (our research shows that there were cases about 3 to 4 streets away). So, I was quite worried, because what if?
I hate what-if's, especially when we've got a baby with us.
So, I just prayed and gave everything to God. I do have to say that my feelings were calmer after praying.
I had been a so-so Christian in the past 10 years, ever since I stumbled and couldn't quite get up. At times, I would be zealous and say, I want to be burning, to do this, do that, but I realized last night, that I couldn't, I just couldn't. Never mind thinking about service; I can't even have a normal Christian life, and no matter how I try, how I resolve, I always fell, sooner or later. I realized I wanted to DO so much, that I never confess my shortcomings to Him. When I prayed, I'd pray for each and every member because I was afraid they'd be sick or what, but I never gave to him/surrender my anxieties, my worries. I still bear them on my shoulders, thinking I could do it all, but in reality, I'm helpless. I can't.
And so, I just gave to Him everything that night and asked Him to be my rest. I asked Him for grace for the rest of this week and for more of His grace for next week when I go home. I have a feeling I will really need it. I don't want a repeat of August 2010, because it's not a fun time for everyone and left a bad taste in my soul besides.
Perhaps not surprisngly, I had a peaceful sleep.
I do believe it's a process I need to do everyday.
