Prayer

Sometimes I wonder what I have to complain about. Especially when I read about people like Katherine, who have suffered so much, yet she didn't lose hope.

At these times, I should remember Katherine and be grateful instead.

I've been feeling a lot of stress lately, with my upcoming trip home. One week seems an eternity, especially when you know you'd be facing comparisons yet again, endless nagging, and I really hate being mad at my mom or aunt, but I can't help it when my temper gets the better of me. I go home so rarely that I wonder why she just can't let this time together pass happily and allow us both to create pleasant memories. I can still remember August 2010, because for the 10 days that I was home, rarely a day went by when I didn't argue with my mom. I really regretted going back that time, because I could've put my time to better and more pleasant use.

And it's really a very sad day when your child has that kind of thought. Sad, but I wish she'd think why I would feel that way instead of feeling hurt that I don't want to go home. Would you want to stay away from a place or people that make you happy? Of course not!

Then, last night, we had dinner at a semi-hawker, when I had been led to believe it was a restaurant. The food was so-so, definitely not worth the risk of dengue fever (our research shows that there were cases about 3 to 4 streets away). So, I was quite worried, because what if?

I hate what-if's, especially when we've got a baby with us.

So, I just prayed and gave everything to God. I do have to say that my feelings were calmer after praying.

I had been a so-so Christian in the past 10 years, ever since I stumbled and couldn't quite get up. At times, I would be zealous and say, I want to be burning, to do this, do that, but I realized last night, that I couldn't, I just couldn't. Never mind thinking about service; I can't even have a normal Christian life, and no matter how I try, how I resolve, I always fell, sooner or later. I realized I wanted to DO so much, that I never confess my shortcomings to Him. When I prayed, I'd pray for each and every member because I was afraid they'd be sick or what, but I never gave to him/surrender my anxieties, my worries. I still bear them on my shoulders, thinking I could do it all, but in reality, I'm helpless. I can't.

And so, I just gave to Him everything that night and asked Him to be my rest. I asked Him for grace for the rest of this week and for more of His grace for next week when I go home. I have a feeling I will really need it. I don't want a repeat of August 2010, because it's not a fun time for everyone and left a bad taste in my soul besides.

Perhaps not surprisngly, I had a peaceful sleep.

I do believe it's a process I need to do everyday.

Life

Not exactly an original title, but there it is.

What exactly are we supposed to do in life? What is the meaning of life?

The way I see it, I go to work 5 times a week, on weekends I do various things, then the cycle repeats 52x a year until I am no more on this earth.

Then what?

And everyone around me is in the same endless cycle...

The way I see life right now, it's a routine punctuated by moments of joy and sorrow. Perhaps that's all there really is to life.

And All Things Work Together

Romans 8:28 is a very familiar verse in my youth, to such an extent I can even recite it now, several backsliding years later. "And all things work together for good to those who love Him, to those who were called according to His purpose."

This morning, I was reminded of this verse again, especially the word "all". The word encompasses everything that has happened in my life, from the minute I was born until now. It bespeaks a strange yet awe-inspiring mystery--that God is in charge of my life from the time I came to this world. Actually, the Bible (Isaiah, if I'm not mistaken) has it that He knew me from the time I was in my mother's womb, even formed me, molded me.

I was in His hands this entire time, yet it didn't feel that way.

I don't know why this verse came to me this morning, or why this is my first post. God works in strange and mysterious ways.

I just knew that for the past few weeks, no, pardon me, years, my mom has been nagging me about marriage. It has just gotten so intense the past few weeks that I sometimes don't want to take her call. I know she loves me and is worried for me and I love her, but give me a break! I don't want to marry for the sake of getting married, nor do I want to settle for less than marrying the man I love and who loves me in return. And even though my biological clock is making her panic (and me, too, sometimes), I don't want to be foolish and hasty.

I used to wonder, too, why God hasn't seen fit to send him to me yet. (Wasn't Jacob sent to Leah's and Rachel's hometown?) I wondered why He would grace some not-so-devoted believers this grace (or is it cross?) and not me, who was zealous and burning for Him. It's just not fair. Maybe He didn't really love me.

And so, this verse Romans 8:28 came to me. Perhaps God knew something I didn't. Perhaps being single (at least, 'til now) is the best for me. And I realized something, too. "All things" included my mother's nagging, though I'm still not clear how that is good for me, since I usually ended up not happy after a nagging session. I don't think my mom is much happy either.

And then, I read the recent post on Katherine's Mom's blog. It's a blog I came upon last month and have been following. Because of her, I was inspired to start this blog. In this post, she wrote the following:

"Sometimes we may feel as if our heavenly Daddy has abandoned us, as well.

But He hasn't. It's just that we can't always see His heart.

We have to try to focus on the Big Picture. In the end, all will be well. Everything will be resolved. We will understand fully, even as we're fully understood. Until then, we struggle through this mortal existence with partial clarity, doing the best we can with the cards we've been dealt. We fall, and rise back up; we're broken, and then mended."

In the end, all will be well.